I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
You Might Also Like
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
The internet is full of many things
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?