chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
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Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Friday
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.