wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
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me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
can’t talk my ride’s here
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while