[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
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“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach