Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
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*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
So we got a goldfish…
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.