Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
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When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
🤣😂
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.