Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
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Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Had a spot of bother earlier.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.