Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
You Might Also Like
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.