Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
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Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
haha same
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.