You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
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professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
🙋♀️
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.