@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
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Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’