May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
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[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars