♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
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she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”