72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
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honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
same bro
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*