With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
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One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”