If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
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Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
*puts words between two asterisks*
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.