7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
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First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*