Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
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I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
it’s either covid or clever vampires
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’