Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
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I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick