me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
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[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
same vibe as tangled headphones
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie