When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
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ME: finally a program for me
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.