When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
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Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I want what they have
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.