Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
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I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though