[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
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I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.