I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
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*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio