What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
You Might Also Like
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
nyc:
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]