My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
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Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
😂😂
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Ugh
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Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*