On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
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Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
some Old Testament wisdom
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.