ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
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If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start