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How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
i dont have time for this
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.