What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
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How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.