Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
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“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
When news reporters do sports stories
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.