To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
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*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.