[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
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I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son