“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.