Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
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Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
i- i did not expect this
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.