Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
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Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Thank you corporation very cool
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!