A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!