[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
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Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not