The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
relationship goals
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille