Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
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Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
#oldknees
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.