What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
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What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
how to market bottled water to dads
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.