In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
You Might Also Like
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
multitasking lunch
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.