Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
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Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.