Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
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Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy