If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
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I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Bros before Ohioes
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”