Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
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I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
What?
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.