My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car