Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
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Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.