a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
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Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
2022 be like
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”